A short rant about Kenyan TV

Are you happy? Are you tired of being happy? Have you forgotten how it feels to be angry and moody? to be depressed and to contemplate stabbing yourself in the gut? Mmh? Do you long for all these feelings but at the comfort of your own home?
Here’s what you do.
1. Get a TV
2. Get a couch
3. Get a Tuesday
4. Lock off all sharp items somewhere out of reach.
5. Tune to Citizen TV at 7.30pm and watch an episode of Tahidi High.
6. Do this every Tuesday for a month.

You will feel a lingering pain in your lower gut, like a ball of acid just spilled somewhere in your duodenum area, and this pain will not go away until you satisfy the urge to tell people just how awful the show is.
It’s awful, people.
Listen, I don’t hate. Hating is not my thing. Let me tell you what my thing is: Dipping digestive biscuits in milk before I eat them. That’s my thing. Hating is too mitochondrial, too much a preoccupation. What I’m doing is making a commentary on something that everyone, deep down, knows is true.
90% of Kenyan TV is shit.

Don’t look at me like that, you know this. Let me ask you something: On your laptop I’m guessing you have a folder labeled ‘Muviez and Seriez‘, right? Okay. In this folder of yours, how many of these are Kenyan? Don’t even try and lie ’cause I know all you have there is Royals, Baby Daddy and some other shows that are ‘in’ right now.
So why don’t you have Tahidi High on your laptop? I mean, it’s still airing. Let me tell you why, cause it’s shit. And I firmly stand behind my sentiment that, like many other shows, Tahidi High has overstayed it’s welcome.
I loved Tahidi High as a kid. I lived for the antics of kina JeanJoyce and that tall, dark spiteful chick; Shirleen? Back then it was real and original. It had believable characters and relatable story. It was why I woke up on Tuesdays.
But now, *shaking head* its just… sad.  I mean, I don’t think high-schoolers these days sneak out mid-lesson to smoke cigarettes in toilets with ties round their foreheads; do they? You can only show us that for so long before it gets old. I’m not going to go any further into the grits of why it (and Kenyan TV) is awful ’cause really it’s right there. All I’m going to say is high schoolers now, from what Rubadiri tells me, are burning schools and killing their fellow classmates in septic tanks.
Show us that; and make it realistic.

Thank you for listening.

By the way, have you seen the new Safaricom ad? The one that’s sloganed ‘Keep The Connections Going’ and has that beautiful track in the background. Eh that ad. Safaricom, those guys just nail ads .

Oh and while we are on this topic of television, For the next month I shall be keeping a super low profile; completely under the radar. See, I have received credible threats imminent from hooligans who are intent on ruining Game of Thrones for me.
For I say unto you, You will text/DM me but I will not reply. You will call me but I will not pick up. You will e-mail me but no sir, I will spam you. You will even go as far as to yell out my name when you spot me on Banda Street but brother I will run. Don’t even try, I smell spoilers from miles away.
I think someone who would intentionally blurt out spoilers for a show like Game of Thrones is not your friend. That is a sadist. That is someone who would strangle a cat then go get lunch.
I have a friend like that, his name is Brian Yego. He lives far away in the distant Rift Valley, somewhere on the fertile hills of Eldoret, where I picture he has a space in the homestead granary where he murders cats. He wants to spoil season 6 for me ’cause he knows I wait till it’s done airing so I can binge watch it. I don’t really fancy the show the way he does so I don’t get why he is so intent on giving me spoilers. He sends me texts like ‘mse umewatch episodd latest ya GoT?!!! JonSnow na Ned wamerudi! Nikugwan!‘ but often I can tell he’s pulling my leg so I call his BS. I text back, “Sharap, no way they’re back. Pereka huko” then I block him. He thinks its funny that stuff.

Yego, I am your alert. Niko rada yako.


24 thoughts on “A short rant about Kenyan TV

  1. “For I say unto you, You will text/DM me but I will not reply. You will call me but I will not pick up. You will e-mail me but no sir, I will spam you. You will even go as far as to yell out my name when you spot me on Banda Street but brother I will run.”
    Audition for Churchill man 😂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I can remember before watching season 5 ep 10. Yego (my Yego i.e.) was like, “btw, unajua Jon Snow anaenda kukufa?” I felt like chopping off his balls and feeding it to the goats.

    And ati Ned Stark is back? No effing way man!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. The few times I’ve watched Tahidi High post-OJ,Freddie era, I couldn’t go beyond five minutes. It’s time they wrapped up.
    And no, I do not miss being angry and moody. Happy is working just fine for me

    As usual, brilliant piece Django.

    Liked by 2 people

    • They should. And also realistic.
      Or better yet just cancel it and replace it with one of those feminist talk shows where they hold “bold and candid conversations”

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Stopped watching tahidi high kitambo….now about GOT….Ned is back????….now way…had my yego too who told me John Snow didn’t die…I was over the moon….keep writing django

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Mahnn thats so true. I always cringe so hard when watching alot of citizens shows they are just painful to watch
    but! we are the minority here a majority of the populace love it…….unfortunately


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