The Hare and the Reasonable Hyena

It’s evening time in the jungle. As the sun sets, the animals settle in in their caves for the night. In one particular cave there lives 2 friends, the hare and the hyena. They have been friends for a long time. Though they have different personalities, they are both of very colorful, spontaneous character which makes for a rather novel but good friendship. 

 Today evening, the hyena sits alone quietly in the digs reading a book. The hare has just arrived home from his walks in the forest. He has a bag full of honey and meats with him.

Hare: Hello!

Hyena: (On hare’s arrival) Oh hello friend, good to see you. How was it out there?

Hare: Oh you know, same old. What about you, how was your day?

Hyena: Good, good.

Hare: (Reaching into his bag) Listen, I have some real sweet food I think you should try.

Hyena: (Looking over into hare’s bag) Oh really, what do you have there?

Hare: Some honey and sweetened meet.

Hyena: Honey, you say?

Hare: Yeah, I have some combs here with honey in them. I got them from the bee over at the big tree. I know you’ve never had honey.

Hyena: Oh yeah, the bee, I know him. So he just gave us the honey?

Hare: Yeah, he’s cool like that. In fact, he invited us over for the weekend, if we’re up for it.

Hyena: Wow that’s nice of him.

Hare: Yeah it is. I also have some sweetened meet. Do you want some?

Hyena: I’m sorry, some sweetened what?

Hare: Meet. Some sweetened meet.

Hyena: Why are you saying it like that?

Hare: Like how?

Hyena: ..You mean meat? Like flesh meat, with an ‘a’?

Hare: Whatever smart-ass, do you want some meet or not?

Hyena: (Sighs tiredly) Just give me the honey.

The hare proceeds to offer the hyena some honey. He dips his finger into his honey bag and offers the hyena to lick it.

Hare: Here.

Hyena: Um, what are you doing?

Hare: I’m giving you some honey. Come on, just have a taste.

Hyena: (Wearing a disgusted frown) You.. you want me to lick your finger?

Hare: Yeah, come on. It’s the good stuff, you’ll like it.

Hyena: Dude, I’m not licking your finger. Get me a spoon.

Hare: (Hands the hyena a spoon) Now will you have some?

They hyena proceeds to eat a spoonful of the honey. It’s the natural stuff.

Hyena: (Surprised) Wow, this is really good!

Hare: Yeah?

Hyena: Yeah! It’s really delicious. I love it! You know, for some reason, I always thought the bee was a stingy guy.

Hare: Ha ha, I see what you did there. Good one. You should write a sitcom.

Hyena: (Smiling smugly) Yeah.

                    The hyena eats more of the honey as the hare overlooks.

Hyena: You know there’s dead bees in here. The bee gave us honey with dead bees in it. That’s kinda weird, right?I feel like it’s weird. Doesn’t bother me, though. This stuff is too sweet!

Hare: Hehe, I’m glad you like it. Speaking of, you know, hyena, the…

Hyena: (Cutting off the hare mid-sentence) I have a name, you know.

Hare: (Sighs) OK. You know, James, the sweetness from this honey is the kind of sweetness that must never be evacuated from your body.

Hyena: How do you mean?

Hare: I mean you shouldn’t let the honey leave your body lest you risk losing it’s sweetness.

Hyena: (Puzzled) Okay. And just how would you suggest I preserve this ‘honey goodness’? (Uses air quotes) 

Hare: Well, there’s this one thing you could try but before I tell you what it is, you have to promise to keep an open mind.

Hyena: Okay, I’m a pretty open-minded guy. Go on.

Hare: You could always have your backside orifice sown shut. That way, the sweetness will never leave your body.

A silence ensues.

Hyena: (Eyes squinted) I’m sorry, sew shut my what now?

Hare: Your, um, backside orifice. Your anus. You should have yours stitched shut. Everyone’s doing it these days.

Hyena: (takes a second to let it sink in) Okay. I’ll bite. And how should I do this, ‘backside stitching’? (He uses air quotes again. He’s an air quotes kinda guy)

Hare: You know the orangutan on the other side of the stream, he’s the one who does it. He’s a doctor. He has a white coat and everything. Even hangs a stethoscope round his neck. He’s the real deal. The aardvark had his done by him and from what I hear, it’s all good reviews.

Hyena: If I’m hearing this correct, you’re telling me that there’s a doctor out in these jungles whose job is to sew shut people’s backsides, and to add to that, he’s a monkey?

Hare: No, no.. he’s an orangutan.

Hyena: Uh huh. And that doesn’t sound at all funny to you, a monkey doctor?

Hare: Well, of course if you say it like that. (Sarcastically) What, would you rather a… a tortoise doctor? Is a tortoise doctor good enough for your inter-specific reservations?

Hyena: I’d certainly prefer it to having my posterior defiled by a butt-sniffing monkey!

Hare: Now that’s just offensive.

Hyena: You said everyone does it. Tell me one person I know who’s done it. Tell me one person who’s had their shit-hole stitched shut.

Hare: Hey, hey… dude, language! There’s no need for that kind of sass. And I just told you, the aardvark did his.

Hyena: (Visibly irate) I’m sorry, man, it just feels like you’re toying with me. It feels like you’re messing with me. I mean, it’s a nice Saturday evening, I’m chill, reading a good book. It’s warm. But then here you come peddling some poppycock about monkey doctors with stethoscopes, telling me how I should mutilate myself to “preserve the sweetness”. What does that even mean exactly? Do you even know how dangerous what you’re telling me is? Do you have any idea what would happen if I got blocked up and couldn’t defecate? I would die, Phillip. I’d go into septic shock and I would die. And that’s not even the worst part! If for some holy reason I survived past the septic shock and the absurd pain, there’s this little thing called fecal vomiting. I’m not going to go into detail of what that is because there’s kids reading this; just know that it’s hell. Brown, fibery, endless hell. Now, I don’t know what this.. this aardvark fellow told you, what I know is I’m not in the business of doing things on the advise of some rat-faced mammal with a weird name like ‘aardvark’. Like what kind of name is that anyway? You know what, Phillip? You should pick up a book sometime. Ignorance is a bad look on you. You’re a hare for chrissake, you’re supposed to be the smart one!

Hare: (Nervous and slightly offended) OK, OK James. Just chill! You don’t have to do it. I was just putting it out there, you know, as a suggestion. How about this; how about you think about it, then we’ll talk about it tomorrow.

Hyena: (A throbbing vein now visible on his forehead) There’s nothing to think about! I’m not doing that nonsense. (Exhales) Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve had enough of this. I’m going to bed now.

Hare: (Mumbling) Okay, I understand.

They both tuck in for the night. There’s an undeniable tension in the cave. They haven’t fought like this in a while. 

Hare: Goodnight

Hyena: Goodnight!

Silent, a few moments into sleep, Phillip musters up some courage and whispers nervously.

Hare: (Softly) You know, I had mine sown shut today. I kinda regret it now.

Hyena: Well, it’s going to be a rough weekend for you. Goodnight.

James switches off the night light. 

 

 

 

 

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